Holiday Blues

Sometimes i just miss him. The way he said my name and stroked my messy hair. it may seem like I should be over him by now, but the pure innoscence of his love is missing from my world, and I dont know if i can handle not seeing his face everyday. Some people say they can just keep moving on, even if they know they just lost the only one their heart can love so deeply. Me on the other hand, im not so sure. Christmas is nearing, our favorite holiday, and I am feeling the loneliness in my stomach. Kind of like a fish out of water, i am not sure how to get through the season without him. We were supposed to be planning a wedding together. Planning the rest of our lives together. But now all I can plan is what i am going to eat for dinner. I feel a bit lost, i must say, and not sure how this winter is going to span out. But I do know this-it will be rather hard not to think about him. I love him and always will.

Happy..

Where to even begin?? I am in the best mood that I have been in in awhile. Things are evening out and hope has walked back into my life by the name of Josh. (oh how I hope he doesnt read my blog...) We met in our English class as writing partners. After we met, I added him on facebook, and we have been talking ever since. The talking started on facebook, but has migrated to texting back and forth. We started talking last Monday, and we talk non stop everyday. I am so glad to know a guy that isnt a creeper....

But today he asked me to eat lunch with him. Which is AWESOME!! So we ate and had the best conversations. We talked about books and writing and our families. It was just so refreshing to have someone to talk to about the things I love. He is a genuinely nice and wonderful guy, and I really hope this goes somewhere. i will keep you posted on where this leads.

AHHHH!!!!!

ok. im good. just needed to let that out.

Peace!
Kayla

Feeling Again

Remember that day?
The day our world fell apart.
Maybe if I could control everything,
the world wouldnt have become
the mess that it is.
Run, run, run.
Escape from the madness!
Escape from what could be.
Escape from the guilt and stress
and heartache and pain.
Please let me be.

I once knew you

Staring at a stranger
from across the room.
Stomach is a mess-
one day this will pass.
He looks like the one I once knew,
but knows how to change over night.
Moving on is never easy.
But you my "friend",
make it impossible.

Andy...

Maybe if I close my eyes tight enough-
you will become a fictional character
in the book of my life.
Maybe if I run far enough-
you will disappear.
But you keep chasing me.
In my thoughts and dreams.
My heart wants to embrase you,
But my mind tells me otherwise.
I gave you a part of me that I will never get back.
Something my future husband will never recieve.
I blame you for the suffering-
You wore me down.

NERDFIGHTERS!

OK, this is actually going to be a blog, unlike the previous poems i have posted.

My roommate gave me a book to read that she thought was good. I work for a book distributor, and am known for my love of books. So i took the book and thought i might read it at work when it slowed down at night.
So i was sitting at my desk at work, surfing the web, looking at the same old pages, when i looked down and remembered the book. I picked it up, opened the black shiny cover, and began to read. I can swear to you that i didn't put that book down! It was so intriguing! I was literally sucked into the book and could feel the hurt of the characters.
As i turned the last page, i knew that i had to do a little bit of research on this fantastic author. As it turns out, his name is John Green and he is made of awesome!! I googled his name and was directed to his web page, (sparksflyup.com if you are interested) where i learned so much about this awesome guy. I learned of the vlog project he and his brother Hank did in 2007. It was entitled "Brotherhood 2.0", and i am still in the process of watching the years worth of videos. "Brotherhood" has many inside jokes, including (but not limited to): DFTBA, the puff, in your pants, putting things on your head, and of course...NERFIGHTERS!!!
These so called Nerfighters is the name of the viewers of the Green Brothers. I can now say that i am a nerdfigher!! and that makes me happy. The Nerdfighters also have a website (nerdfighters.ning.com) where they...we...can gather and post vlogs and such. Yesterday, i came across a posting for a possible collab channel on youtube for nerdfighters. As it stands, i am going to be a part of this project, and i couldn't be more excited! It has been a crazy few months, but i feel like this could be my "labyrinth". (if you haven't read Looking For Alaska, you will have no idea what that means, so don't worry about it.)
Anyway, to all the nerdfighters reading this....Thanks for the awesomeness that you all are.

DFTBA,
Kayla

PS (to non-nerdfighters) - DFTBA means Don't forget to be awesome!

Courage

Heart beating
like a steady drum.
awaiting the next addition
to myself.
As he slowly moves his hands
across my back,
I shudder.
He begins to apply pressure
and I close my eyes.
The longer he takes
the more intense
this all becomes.
Finally he releases his grip.
I arise a changed woman.

Spoken Word

cigarette smoke fills the air
the poet speaks-
with words only meant to escape HIS mouth.
thoughts and rhymes known only to HIM.
HIS mind is wide open to the public,
and HE sets HIS heart free.
all the feelings-
HE lets us partake.
"One more verse!"
an onlooker says.
HE searches his book of words,
looking for the perfect composition....
HE opens HIS mouth and HIS soul cascades from within.

the man you wish you were

slipping out
into your other life.
trying to find something new.
you lie to them.
you make up a person-
the man you wish you were.
and all the while
your true love is waiting
on you to return.

Just a Glance...

Keep walking
don't look back
just a glance
might make you lose your mind...

all you want is
a chance at happiness.
a chance at
being free.
why can't he just see
the hurt.
the pain
the was caused.
the scars that
can never be erased.