2009

As the year ends, you start to think about the fond memories you may of had-spring break beach trip with your best friends, seeing your favorite musical for the first time, long summer nights driving to Chattanooga with your friend and your (ex) boyfriend. As these times flood your mind, you are also reminded of the not-so-great events that occurred over the span of 12 months-you go through 3 boyfriends who each tell you they don't have enough time for you, your dad's divorce from his second wife, a pregnancy scare. Even through the bad times though, you seem to have a good outlook on the new year. This is it. I can do whatever I want in 2010. I already have plans to see my favorite musical again, I am moving and going to a new school. I am getting more training in my job. Good things are ahead of me...I just need to forgive and forget the past and move forward.

crossroads.

i feel like i have been punched in the stomach.
in this state of limbo,
i feel alone.
dizzy.
scared.
He is still there,
but i cant hear his voice.
no response.
He loves me,
He loves me not.
why cant he just give me a straight answer?
I want to know which way to go.

apology.

I'm sorry.

I'm sorry that i have no filter.
for saying things that i knew would sting.
for wanting you to hurt just a little so you would know how i feel.
for being so insensitive to your feelings.

I'm sorry for being overbearing.
for not realizing that you ARE trying.
for pushing and pushing and pushing.
for all that i have put you though.

thinking bout stuff...

3 hours of sleep is never a good thing.
I get to see Mary and John after work for a late lunch!
I have a short shift today at work.
i miss Shane.
but God willing, i will see him in 2 days.
i wish i could make Liz smile. she needs it right now.
this cold has been going on for like 2 weeks....I'm soo over it!
i am becoming addicted to blistex and collegehumor.com
i miss October.
This holiday season hasn't felt very Christmasy.

36 minutes

i talked to you today,
for 36 minutes.
i finally heard your voice.
you called me up to say,
"i love you still, dont worry.
yesterday, felt like i had no choice."

As you spoke with me,
I trembled.
I missed you so much.
tears ran down my cheek,
oh, how i only wanted your touch

36 minutes came and gone.
but i still remember every word.

9/25/09

my head falls from your shoulder to your lap,
from lack of energy.
I grab your hand and hold on-
im brave right now.
im finally happy again.

i see you. im happy. i leave again. im sad.
this pattern continues.....

just a few more months til forever.

this is more than i bargained for.

i can feel it building in my chest
and i cant run away from it.
i cant live without him,
but cant continue hurting.
what do i do?
tell everyone its okay
and fake a smile?
fight back the tears everytime
he reminds you things cant change right now?

...overwhelmed...

why I love you.

past the giddyness and lust,
there is comfort.
through the distance and aching,
there is peace.
It is rough now,
but there is a light
at the end.
And I have found it!
HE IS MY LIGHT.
(and I love him)

11/14/2009

Death is a funny thing. It brings up memories you havent thought of in years. Digs up emotions you never want to feel again. Death makes your heart ache for the person you have just lost. No matter how close you are to the person, Death hurts you. You want to protect those around you that are effected by it.

Psalm 9:9

I love you Mamma Emmer.

Home.

So its official. the years between 2000-2008 are officially erased from my life. Im not sure how I feel about it yet. Part of me wants to cry because I just lost the majority of my life to the horrid curse (aka divorce). The other part of me wants to breathe a big sigh of relief, that finally after a year and a half, it is over. I just wish things would have stayed the same. I wish that I had a "home" to go home to, with a bed that is mine. A room that is mine. I envy those who have that and complain about it. You are the lucky ones.

Hey! It's Happy Kayla!!!!

Hello World!
The sun beams straight though
to light up your eyes.
Hand in hand,
We can walk in this world
without fear.
Finally.
With you,
I can feel every touch.
every kiss.
This is right...

my updated thoughts.

I really wish i had gotten more sleep last night .
I realized how awesome my friends are this weekend.
Cant read people as well as i thought.
I wish i was not at work right now.
This coffee is amazing!
Need to go home and do laundry in a bad way.
Wants to be 16 again.
Need to pay my bills :(
My life is messy right now...i need to clean up.
Im glad im not sick anymore.
I miss my dad.
I miss my brother Jake.
I secretly wish I was in school this semester.
I still miss Angelica in a bad way...
I need to slow down and enjoy life.
I wish it was already Friday....MY BIRTHDAY!
I love how our living room turned out.
I dyed my hair red...and i really like it!
I am still thinking about last night and how random it was.
I want to move on, but it is becoming really hard...
Im a big girl now...complete with a big girl job and apartment...not really sure how i am liking it yet.

dreams about ice cream and being happy.

There is a wonderful woman that sits next to me at work named Luisa. We were talking today about dreams and such, and she proceeds to tell me about a dream she had last night. Now, before I go into what she dreamed about, you must know the kind of woman Luisa is. She is a very beautiful, skinny woman with a crazy afro. She gives off the impression of a touch outer shell, but has her moments when you can see straight to her heart. Anyway, she goes on to tell us the amazing dream she had:

"Someone was driving my Saab. I dont know who this girl was, but for some reason I allowed her to drive my car. Now, I am a huge fan of my car and never let anyone drive it. I am so much in love with my car that I park away from other cars so it wont get dented by the carelessness of other drivers. So this girl opens the car door, bagging it on another car. in my dream i kept telling myself 'dont get mad, dont get mad.' then my dream cuts to another scene where this kid has ice cream. this little guy takes his ice cream and DUMPS it in my hair. seriously. I have to tell myself 'dont get mad.' and it seems to work. i go home, and wash my hair over the sink, thinking the whole time how nice it would be to have some ice cream...how happy it would make me. then i wake up. craziest dream. but i think that it has a hidden meaning. maybe i need to calm down a little. breathe. and eat some ice cream."

After me and our supervisor, Kristie, heard this this dream we laughed a little and went on with our day. About an hour later, Kristie comes over to our cubicles with ice cream sundaes that she has purchased for our customer sevice department. Kristie walks over to Luisa and says "I hear you need some ice cream." Luisa stands there, shocked. I have never seen her like that before. So very thankful and blessed to have people in her life that hear a dream like hers and do something as small as give her ice cream. i wish more people could be like Kristie. because people like Luisa would be forever greatful for the small gifts of kindness.

own way

things i need to say.
thoughts you need to hear,
they all become invisable now.
not important to you.
you dont need my now.
move on by
and take the next girl in line.
sweet memories
left in my head
to remind me
of what could have been
probably could have worked it out
but there was no hope from you.
only lust and foolishness
left at my feet.

dont try to compromise
how you feel from what is real.
i think its best if we keep our distance
for awhile.
slow breath, breathe out.
it'll be okay.
going my own way.

why?

is there a reason?
to this confusion.
please tell me your intentions
please let me know your heart.
I want to help
I want to see
the reality of us.

why?
are you standing here
its very clear
that you are looking
right
through
me.
why?
do i tell myself
that this could work
when all i see is hurt.

you know me better
than the world
you see my heart
is longing for you
but you make me wait
longing for love
but i cant stay

you are just the same.

Why cant you just say how you feel? I feel like i am talking to a brick wall half the time and you respond with a head nod. I cant read you. You say you love me, but I honestly dont believe you. I want to with my whole heart, but you make no effort to be there the way i need you to be. this is so opposite from any other relationship i have ever been in. Should it be this hard? Really? Give me some answers please!!! I need to know that you are in this for the long hall. Cause if not, i am sick of wasting my time.

thanks for using me and letting me go.

as i begin to rebuid everything you have destroyed,
you come behind me and knock it all down.
you move on as if i was never a part of you-
i hope she kills your spirit.
I hope you are happy by the decisions you have made,
and you drown in your sorrow.

I AM DONE.

kayla's happy place.

you know how people tell you to go to your happy place? my happy place is difficult to explain, but i will do my best.

I am listening to Michael Gungor and lying down. My brain is completely clear of all the junk i my life, and I am free of all obstacles. i can be me. not the Kayla that is perfect. not the kayla that has to make everyone happy and set out fires. I can be the person the Lord made me.

I then drift off into a world where there is an ocean. my thoughts are so vivid, that i can feel the mist. smell the salt water. this is where i am happy. no one around. just me. i live for the moments in my life where i can go here. i can be the screwup and it doesnt even matter. no one is there to comment. just me, the water, and the Lord.

this is where i go to escape reality.

a small rant to you.

god.

why cant i just move on? I just want to wake up and not be terrified of going to sleep again because you haunt my dreams. You did this to me. You turned me into this horrible girl who has to depend on a jerk who cant even live up to promises. I hope one day you realize what you have done. I hope it hurts. Hurts a pain you NEVER thought was possible to feel. Because trust me, I am there right now. Thanks. Thanks a whole lot.